We traveled to New Mexico to visit my husband's family for Thanksgiving. We have been planning to tell his family about the baby during this week and of course we had to tell them the first night because (1) I am practically showing and do not fit into my normal clothes and (2) neither of us can keep our mouths shut for that long! Also, this is a family who enjoys a good drink, and we figured a whole week of me turning down a drink, especially over a holiday in a cabin, would lead to suspicion anyway. It turns out, my mother in law had already started telling people at work that she was pretty sure we were going to tell them we were pregnant while we were here visiting. I guess I also gave it away that I was exhausted when we arrived and had to take a 3 hour nap to recover!
Anyway, today is Thanksgiving. I felt I should share what I am thankful for, because really, Thanksgiving is not about eating turkey and stuffing yourself with yummy foods (although this is what pregnant women across the country look forward to!), truly it is about reflecting on the good things in our lives.
This Thanksgiving I am grateful for my family. I am so lucky to have a supportive and loving husband who truly cares about me, our life together, and takes our marriage seriously, but always filling my life with humor and laughter. He always knows when to be serious and when to help me lighten the mood, as I tend to get serious enough for both of us.
I am Thankful for my parents, who have loved and supported me through everything in my life, whether they agreed with my decision or not. They have always shown the greatest respect and love throughout my life as I have grown into the person I am today. I can't wait to see them holding their (3rd) grandchild!
I am Thankful for this baby, who is growing inside of me. Having PCOS always leaves a big question mark when it comes to pregnancy, babies, and the future. I was absolutely convinced that I could not have children. I spilled many tears over the years in sadness. I spent every birthday wish as I blew out my candles wishing for babies. And now, here they are, growing and living. The past 11 weeks have been the most exciting and terrifying moments of my life. I have been exhausted and sick, and yet, it is all worth it for when I hold our baby in my arms!
I am thankful for my friends, who although they are spread far and wide, are the most supportive and loving people I have ever known. My girls in California, have been there through so many ups and downs. We don't get to talk very often, but it is just knowing that if I need them they are there 100% with love and support. I am so grateful for them.
I am grateful too for my brother, my sister in law, and my nephews. Being an aunt in the past few years has been such a wonderful experience. At times I feel I am not there enough, but I cherish the time that I get to spend with "my boys" and every second they make me proud to be their aunt.
I am grateful too for my sister Rose. She was not born my sister, in fact, we did not find each other until graduate school. But none the less, she has added such joy and comfort in my life. She is more than a friend and is the truest sister I will ever know. I am also so lucky to be aunt to her beautiful daughter who I love dearly. I wish we could live next door so that our children could grow up together, but maybe someday.
Finally, I am grateful for this life that I have been given. Life is tough, as you know. We have many happy times and many tough times. If it were not for this opportunity to be alive I would not have the experience of knowing all of the people that I am grateful for or the opportunity to know the joys of pregnancy and bringing a new life to this world.
Thank you to everyone who reads my blog. I know that it has been a while since I have posted, but now there are a whole bunch of new posts that I have been writing and holding until I was able to post them today.
I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving.
11.25.2010
11.13.2010
8 Weeks and going strong
Okay, so technically as of yesterday I am 9 weeks along, but here is our 8 week ultrasound! The past few weeks have been good. I am finally moving past the morning sickness, which will hopefully stay away for the next 7 months! There have not been any more "emergency visits" to the OB/GYN, which is good news. But, there are occasional pains, odd occurrences, and gas, lots of gas. Being pregnant makes you really wonder if you ever knew your body at all, because things start to feel completely different, odd, foreign. My husband has reminded me "you are growing a person inside of you. You have to expect that would be a little uncomfortable at times." Wow.... it's true.
I don't know that it has truly hit me yet. I think a part of me still does not trust that this is really happening or that it will really continue to happen for the next 7 months. In the back of my mind I keep thinking that PCOS will cause something to go wrong. I forgot my Metformin the other night and panicked the next morning when I realized. But, so far so good.
I am not yet showing, my belly is still small (okay it was never small, but it is the same size it always was!), and my pants still fit, for now. Last weekend was the first weekend that we allowed ourselves to start to look at baby stuff. We bought a onsie to give to Erik's mom, which I am going to iron on a decal to that says "I Love Grandma." This is our plan for when we tell her I am pregnant at Thanksgiving. Then, I actually went shopping for maternity clothes, since my mom continues to remind me that "one morning you will wake up and nothing will fit you." She was super sweet though and bought me all of my maternity clothes. I feel very spoiled, and now I know just how spoiled this little baby will be.
In the area of PCOS and pregnancy, I have been reading quite a bit of information on Metformin and Pregnancy. Supposedly there are not a lot of studies that talk about how long you should stay on the Metformin, really it is still up for debate. Some doctors will leave women on the medication for the entire pregnancy, while others will have you stay on for the first trimester, while others take you off the moment you test positive for pregnancy. I have elected to stay on it, much to the contrary of my prior thinking before I was pregnant. My thought is this: my body relies on the Metformin to regulate my testosterone/insulin resistance/hormonal balance. If I go off of it now, what is to say that my levels will not spike and I will not end up with a miscarriage? So, after speaking with my endocrinologist, I will continue the Metformin at least through February, when my next appointment takes place. I am not sure this is the right choice, but again, I feel like either way there could be potential downfalls.
The other pregnancy reading I have been doing is about Fetal Origins. It is very interesting research coming out that talks about how much impact a mother truly has on the fetus during the 9 months in utero. Right now I am reading about food and the fetus. It is so interesting how many different warnings and dietary restrictions women have been placed on in the past 100 years. But, it is definitely making me think about how I eat and what I am doing. Luckily, I am not addicted to caffeine or soda, so giving up the "bad things" has not been difficult.
I don't know that it has truly hit me yet. I think a part of me still does not trust that this is really happening or that it will really continue to happen for the next 7 months. In the back of my mind I keep thinking that PCOS will cause something to go wrong. I forgot my Metformin the other night and panicked the next morning when I realized. But, so far so good.
I am not yet showing, my belly is still small (okay it was never small, but it is the same size it always was!), and my pants still fit, for now. Last weekend was the first weekend that we allowed ourselves to start to look at baby stuff. We bought a onsie to give to Erik's mom, which I am going to iron on a decal to that says "I Love Grandma." This is our plan for when we tell her I am pregnant at Thanksgiving. Then, I actually went shopping for maternity clothes, since my mom continues to remind me that "one morning you will wake up and nothing will fit you." She was super sweet though and bought me all of my maternity clothes. I feel very spoiled, and now I know just how spoiled this little baby will be.
In the area of PCOS and pregnancy, I have been reading quite a bit of information on Metformin and Pregnancy. Supposedly there are not a lot of studies that talk about how long you should stay on the Metformin, really it is still up for debate. Some doctors will leave women on the medication for the entire pregnancy, while others will have you stay on for the first trimester, while others take you off the moment you test positive for pregnancy. I have elected to stay on it, much to the contrary of my prior thinking before I was pregnant. My thought is this: my body relies on the Metformin to regulate my testosterone/insulin resistance/hormonal balance. If I go off of it now, what is to say that my levels will not spike and I will not end up with a miscarriage? So, after speaking with my endocrinologist, I will continue the Metformin at least through February, when my next appointment takes place. I am not sure this is the right choice, but again, I feel like either way there could be potential downfalls.
The other pregnancy reading I have been doing is about Fetal Origins. It is very interesting research coming out that talks about how much impact a mother truly has on the fetus during the 9 months in utero. Right now I am reading about food and the fetus. It is so interesting how many different warnings and dietary restrictions women have been placed on in the past 100 years. But, it is definitely making me think about how I eat and what I am doing. Luckily, I am not addicted to caffeine or soda, so giving up the "bad things" has not been difficult.
11.07.2010
Scared, Tired, Emotional
(Warning: This post was written 11-7-10, but is posted late so that we could tell all family before the world knew what was going on!)
I know, they say it is all part of being pregnant. You are exhausted and you cry a lot. But, no one told me how afraid I would feel. The past week has been tough. I am excited for the baby, but I am more afraid I will lose the baby than anything. I have had some spotting, which the doctor says is "normal... well it is never normal to have bleeding, but not anything to be too concerned about." I have had a bit more spotting the last few days and I can't wait until Monday for our 8 week ultrasound. Unfortunately I just have this terrible feeling that we will find out that something has gone wrong. I blame PCOS, fully and completely for this. I know that all women, PCOS or not, have miscarriages. But knowing I am at a higher risk, just makes me feel so much more worried! I hate feeling worried, I don't want to make the baby a stressed out baby because I am worried all of the time. But I just do not know how to work through all of this. My wonderful aunt and uncle sent me a pregnancy journal, but I cannot even bring myself to write in it. I am afraid that once I become optimistic, once I put it down on paper in a lovely journal, that I will lose the baby. But what if I don't document what is going on in that journal? Will I regret later that I didn't write it down?
Other symptoms remain constant. I feel nauseated and disgusted by most foods and smells. I have begun to wonder why they call it "morning sickness" when it lasts all day. But occasionally I have cravings for fried rice and egg rolls. My other big craving has been for a burrito smothered in green chili. My husband has been wonderful and lets me partake in all of my cravings, even when I am eating a left over burrito for breakfast from the night before. Everyone tells me these are good signs. Unfortunately, sometimes, the worry overtakes the "good signs" and I find myself doubting.
The other thing I just cant do yet is buy or look at maternity clothes. I have tried, twice, to look at maternity pants, but I just cannot bring myself to buy any. My pants still fit for now, but again, I worry that if I buy the pants something will go wrong.
I don't want to be a worried pregnant lady. I just wish the spotting would stop and that Monday would hurry up and get here so that I can hear that heartbeat again and see a growing baby!
Until Tomorrow - I'm a worried, but hopeful mama to be!
I know, they say it is all part of being pregnant. You are exhausted and you cry a lot. But, no one told me how afraid I would feel. The past week has been tough. I am excited for the baby, but I am more afraid I will lose the baby than anything. I have had some spotting, which the doctor says is "normal... well it is never normal to have bleeding, but not anything to be too concerned about." I have had a bit more spotting the last few days and I can't wait until Monday for our 8 week ultrasound. Unfortunately I just have this terrible feeling that we will find out that something has gone wrong. I blame PCOS, fully and completely for this. I know that all women, PCOS or not, have miscarriages. But knowing I am at a higher risk, just makes me feel so much more worried! I hate feeling worried, I don't want to make the baby a stressed out baby because I am worried all of the time. But I just do not know how to work through all of this. My wonderful aunt and uncle sent me a pregnancy journal, but I cannot even bring myself to write in it. I am afraid that once I become optimistic, once I put it down on paper in a lovely journal, that I will lose the baby. But what if I don't document what is going on in that journal? Will I regret later that I didn't write it down?
Other symptoms remain constant. I feel nauseated and disgusted by most foods and smells. I have begun to wonder why they call it "morning sickness" when it lasts all day. But occasionally I have cravings for fried rice and egg rolls. My other big craving has been for a burrito smothered in green chili. My husband has been wonderful and lets me partake in all of my cravings, even when I am eating a left over burrito for breakfast from the night before. Everyone tells me these are good signs. Unfortunately, sometimes, the worry overtakes the "good signs" and I find myself doubting.
The other thing I just cant do yet is buy or look at maternity clothes. I have tried, twice, to look at maternity pants, but I just cannot bring myself to buy any. My pants still fit for now, but again, I worry that if I buy the pants something will go wrong.
I don't want to be a worried pregnant lady. I just wish the spotting would stop and that Monday would hurry up and get here so that I can hear that heartbeat again and see a growing baby!
Until Tomorrow - I'm a worried, but hopeful mama to be!
11.01.2010
A smudge and a heartbeat
It was a crazy couple of weeks with lots of blood testing for HcG levels and lots of worrying. I became worried because, well, when people tell you that you are at high risk of miscarriage you worry. I was also having pains, cramps, and spotting. But, my HcG levels kept rising. On October 24th, my HcG levels were above 22,000, which was a good sign. That night though the cramping became terrible and the next day, after working out that morning I was feeling terrible and I began having spotting again. So, I worried. It is what I do best. It was that day that I really decided that I like our OB/GYN! I called the office and they squeezed me in. My husband rushed home from work, leaving a meeting and probably freaking out all of his coworkers, and off to the doctor we went. I was so afraid he would say we were losing the baby, but through it all I just had a feeling, it had to be okay. I am sure most women convince themselves it will all be okay, that your baby will make it, and these of course were my thoughts.
As I climbed on the table I grasped my husbands hand and said a little prayer in my head. The moment the ultrasound began I knew, because there I saw it, our little smudge inside a yolk sac! The doctor turned up the volume and there was the heart beat at 121 beats per minute! A smudge with a heartbeat... and it is our smudge! It was amazing, I cried (of course!) and my husband grasped my hand and my head with a look of amazement... there was our baby! It still amazes me that something measuring under 7mm's can have a heartbeat!
Since that day it has all felt real, like it is okay to accept it, to get excited, and to look at baby names and talk about the future again. For the past month we have held our breath, worried, cried, and held it all in. But no longer. I know I am just 7 weeks, 3 days along but I can't help but be excited for the future, for our baby, for a new life!
We will return to the doctor next Monday for our 8 week check up and ultrasound. For now, all is well. I am finally getting my energy back, it has been a few tough weeks of going to bed at 7:30 and feeling too tired for anything other than work. I even took almost two complete weeks off of working out, as I had some morning sickness. But today, I returned to working out. I still am worried about running, so I speed walk and tomorrow I will lift weights. Our trainer has provided me with a new work out program, so that I don't have to do crunches or lay on my stomach (both of which make me nauseous!). My jeans are beginning to feel a bit tight, and when I run my hand over my belly I can feel a slight bump there, and I know that's our baby in there. I cry over just about anything from cheezy commercials to stories about mothers and their babies. But, so far, it has been a joy and pleasure carrying this baby. I know there are lots of challenges, changes, and maybe even tough times ahead, but I am up for anything!
As I climbed on the table I grasped my husbands hand and said a little prayer in my head. The moment the ultrasound began I knew, because there I saw it, our little smudge inside a yolk sac! The doctor turned up the volume and there was the heart beat at 121 beats per minute! A smudge with a heartbeat... and it is our smudge! It was amazing, I cried (of course!) and my husband grasped my hand and my head with a look of amazement... there was our baby! It still amazes me that something measuring under 7mm's can have a heartbeat!
Since that day it has all felt real, like it is okay to accept it, to get excited, and to look at baby names and talk about the future again. For the past month we have held our breath, worried, cried, and held it all in. But no longer. I know I am just 7 weeks, 3 days along but I can't help but be excited for the future, for our baby, for a new life!
We will return to the doctor next Monday for our 8 week check up and ultrasound. For now, all is well. I am finally getting my energy back, it has been a few tough weeks of going to bed at 7:30 and feeling too tired for anything other than work. I even took almost two complete weeks off of working out, as I had some morning sickness. But today, I returned to working out. I still am worried about running, so I speed walk and tomorrow I will lift weights. Our trainer has provided me with a new work out program, so that I don't have to do crunches or lay on my stomach (both of which make me nauseous!). My jeans are beginning to feel a bit tight, and when I run my hand over my belly I can feel a slight bump there, and I know that's our baby in there. I cry over just about anything from cheezy commercials to stories about mothers and their babies. But, so far, it has been a joy and pleasure carrying this baby. I know there are lots of challenges, changes, and maybe even tough times ahead, but I am up for anything!
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