So Inconsistent...

Blogging is not my life for sure... otherwise I would clearly be very poor and living in a box. When you have a child life gets so busy and you just never think to stop and write in a blog. Lately there are so many crazy things happening so I thought I would write a few thoughts. In the PCOS area not much is happening. I am still carrying around 25-30 lbs (yes I am 165 lbs still) of baby weight. I have tried weight watchers, we tried the juice diet (which was terrible and no way to live your life), and I struggle to go back to a yeast free/sugar free diet, because clearly I am addicted to carbohydrates... as are most PCOSers! One wonderful thing has happened though. A good friend of mine invited me to join her in running a 5K in August. I said sure why not! I am now running about 3 miles, 5 times per week, which is awesome! However, due to my poor diet I have not lost a pound from all of this exercise. I hope, in weeks to come that this will change and I will be better able to control my urges. I really really would like to cut out carbs and sugar for a good 3-6 months again and see what happens! Any advice on how to do it? Friend and family support and maybe finding someone to do it with is always the best. In my personal life I continue to have the most joy in watching my little daughter grow with each day. She is walking now and is all over the place! She loves to "chat" although most of it is gibberish, but it is fun to have conversations... even though I have no idea what the responses are! :) This summer has been an eye opener for me in many ways. I was contacted recently by a college and may be offered a fairly high paid position, they have not decided yet and I continue to wait to hear. I was very excited when the opportunity first arose, but things changed in the last week. However, for the past two weeks I have been home with my little love with no day care and something happened... I fell madly in love with her all over again. I fell in love with the day to day efforts of being a mommy. Also, on Thursday night a terrible thing happened here in my home state when 12 people were killed and many more were injured while simply sitting down to do what so many of us do in our lives.. enjoy a movie. These two things combined have changed my mind about work and have made me realize what I want in life. I want to be around to see my daughter grow and develop. I don't want to do this just on the weekends, while she is in daycare the rest of the time or with my family the rest of the time... I want her to be with me as much as possible. If we could afford for me to be a stay at home mom, I would do it in a heartbeat. But, it is just not so... instead... I am starting my own business. I have talked about this FOREVER! But I never had the confidence that I could do it. So, I am doing it and I am announcing it publicly so that I cannot back out... I have to do it now. Things are coming together nicely and if I get my way, by October my little one will be in school for 1/2 days 5 days per week while I work and I will get to be home the rest of the time with her! I am excited, scared, and unsure, but I know this time I have to do it, for myself and for my little one! Happy days to everyone!


Battle of the Buldge is Lost... for now

I have been so busy being a mommy that Blogging has fallen to the wayside... along with my weight loss. It is the challenge of PCOS, weight gain that never leaves without very hard work. I continue to struggle with finding time to exercise... in other words I have not found any time to squeeze it in. In Colorado I always find it especially hard because of the weather which is hot hot hot in the summer and freezing in the winter... so outdoors exercise is just not for me here. It makes me miss my beloved Northern California weather!
Anyway, During September and October I attempted Weight Watchers Online. I was not very successful this time around unfortunately. I find it very difficult with my family to get it done. I constantly hear... "it is just this once" or "you need to loosen up and live a little." and then I cave in, eat whatever is sitting in front of me and then hate myself for it later. So, a new idea has come to my attention, so in an attempt to try something new, and maybe not go back on Metformin I will try it.
A few months ago my husband watched a documentary called "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead." It is, in short, about juice cleansing and how the body heals itself. After listening to him talk about it for a week or so I decided to watch it too. So, one day while home alone with baby, I watched it. I was inspired. What a great idea to attempt to cleanse your system with natural foods! So, we are now onto the newest kick... since my yeast cleanse and WW lasted a whopping 2 months with no results! If this does not work alone I will definitely be going back on Metformin for the sake of my health. But this time I have a partner in dieting... my hubby! Let's see if we can do it together this time, instead of me doing it alone. Maybe this will work, maybe it won't!

To find out more go to http://jointhereboot.com to read more about juice cleansing!
We plan to start after Christmas and I will try my very best to actually blog this time!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a lot of weight loss!


Of pregnancy, babies, weight gain and loss, and doctors who do not have a clue

I know, it has been so long since I last posted. Pregnancy led to buying a house and of course to a baby. Both of which prove to be time consuming ventures! Our baby girl is now 11 weeks old. With every day I still look at her in amazement that it actually happened, I am actually a mommy! Whether that means I should be is yet to be answered. Our little girl now smiles at us, coos, and is starting to roll over. She is everything I ever dreamed of and more. I feel I am now doing the work I was always meant to do, parenting.

With all of the activity in the past year I hope to start to blog again more often because I want women out there with PCOS to know it can happen and it did. I know we will not all be so lucky as I have been in getting pregnant, but I would not have given up my dream of being a mommy for anything and I hope others with PCOS will not give up either. In becoming a pregnant women and now a parent I joined the online world of Baby Center where you can join your Birth Month Club, ours is June 2011, and receive daily updates of discussions occurring in your club. There is also a PCOS club, which to me appears to mostly be filled with women who found out they had PCOS after trying to conceive for many months/years/etc. Reading through these discussions has been an eye opener to how lucky I have been in my treatment of PCOS, as there are so many doctors out there who just don't get it. I have read posts of Reproductive Endocrinologists who refuse to put women on Metformin and others who have been told to just "go home and loose some weight!" I am appalled. How is it that in this day in age we still have doctors who do not understand that PCOS is not just a reproductive disease? What about the other side affects? What about the hair growth, the acne, the hair loss? What about the predisposition to diabetes, heart disease, and obesity? What about the fact that without assistance some women cannot loose weight, no matter how hard they exercise or how little they eat? It is truly a disgrace to the medical field that doctors have so little understanding of this disorder.

So my opinion... if you have PCOS (or any other disease for that matter) take control of your life and your disorder. Do not let your doctors or your disorder rule your world. Educate yourself by talking to others, by seeking out a variety of doctors, and by reading everything you can about PCOS. In the end, decide what matters the most to you and go after it. For women who are trying to conceive, seek out all options and try all different approaches, even things that people say will not work with PCOS. Seek out a doctor who really understands and if you are not sure they are right find a second, third, and fourth opinion if you have to. Do not give up because in the end you may just have a beautiful little child in your arms at the end of 9 months! I have tried Chinese Medicine, Accupuncture, Accupressure, massage, and traditional medicine. I have worked out, hired a personal trainer, went through weight watchers, went through a yeast cleanse for 4 months, and tried the South Beach Diet. All in the name of getting pregnant. I considered going off of Metformin but got pregnant while I was on it. Who knows which of these things was effective, which helped me get pregnant, but in the end... here we are!

Now that I am post pregnancy I face the tragic challenge of attempting to loose the dreaded baby weight. I gained 45 lbs while I was pregnant. I must admit that while pregnant I ate with rapid abandon and did not lift a weight or go for a walk... okay I walked at the end to try to induce contractions but that was only for about a week! So, with baby here I have lost 20 of those pounds, leaving me with 40 lbs to loose. No, I can do math, I know 40-20=20, but I was 20 lbs over my ideal weight when I got pregnant. So, I would at least like to loose 30 of those 40 lbs if possible. In an attempt to jump start my weight loss I have returned to the yeast cleanse that I did once before for 3 months. I am hoping this time to go for 6 months if I can, and then in that time I will also return to weight watchers in an attempt to get back to that ideal "135ish" lbs.

So, here today I will admit that I weigh 171 lbs in hopes of reporting along the way how the challenge of weight loss is going! So, please continue to read as I write, give me feedback, and keep your fingers crossed that I can yet again meet another goal.


20 Weeks and Going Strong

It seems like a lifetime has passed since I last posted to my blog! So much has been happening and time is passing so quickly. Today was our 20 week appointment with the OBGYN. I actually do not turn 20 weeks until Friday, but close enough. In the past few months we have been house hunting, preparing for the baby, and working our butts off! Life seems to always have another surprise around the corner.

But, today was a day I will never forget. We put an offer on a house (don't know if we will get it yet) and we found out that our little baby is... A.... GIRL!! My husband and mom have been saying since the start that it is a girl, and they were right. I am yet to feel my baby move, but little flutters are happening every now and then. It is amazing I have not felt her yet, she could not stop moving during the ultrasound today! Today we saw her feet, her brain, her legs, her lips and nose, and her hands... even though she only wanted to show us 3 fingers for a picture... we are pretty sure all 10 are there! Life is certainly coming together, for the baby and our soon to be family of 3!

In the PCOS realm, not much is happening. I do find that I struggled a bit more than my coworkers (who are also pregnant) to get my energy back as quickly during my second trimester. But, it is starting to go up and I actually made it to the gym today for a walk on the treadmill, at 5 AM! I, of course, am gaining weight. But that is expected so I will deal with getting the weight off once the baby is here! The biggest problem I have had with PCOS is getting myself off of the Metformin. It is funny but, prior to getting pregnant all I wanted was to get rid of the medications and go all natural. But, now that there is a life growing inside of me I have the greatest fear that if I stop the Metformin I will loose the baby. My OB/GYN told me to go off of it a month ago, and I have yet to do it. We discussed it again today and he has instructed me to go off of it again. So, I will try it again and see how it goes and hope and pray that nothing goes wrong!

I think the most frustrating thing is the lack of research by the medical community on the effects of Metformin during pregnancy and the effects on the fetus. There really is not a lot out there, just a few studies on rats, that explore PCOS, Metformin and pregnancy. But, I have to say this. I never in my life thought I was going to get pregnant. I spent so many nights crying thinking I would never be able to have a child. Yet here I am, 20 weeks in... half way through, and all I had to do was take care of myself and it happened. I hope all women with PCOS will see that if you start to take care of yourself good things happen... like babies! I still carry the fear of miscarriage on a daily basis and remember that I have a higher risk of losing my baby at any time during this pregnancy than anyone else I know who is pregnant. But, I can't help but be confident and hopeful that our baby will be born healthy and happy. In my heart I know, that is how life is supposed to go.


11 Weeks and Thankful

We traveled to New Mexico to visit my husband's family for Thanksgiving. We have been planning to tell his family about the baby during this week and of course we had to tell them the first night because (1) I am practically showing and do not fit into my normal clothes and (2) neither of us can keep our mouths shut for that long! Also, this is a family who enjoys a good drink, and we figured a whole week of me turning down a drink, especially over a holiday in a cabin, would lead to suspicion anyway. It turns out, my mother in law had already started telling people at work that she was pretty sure we were going to tell them we were pregnant while we were here visiting. I guess I also gave it away that I was exhausted when we arrived and had to take a 3 hour nap to recover!

Anyway, today is Thanksgiving. I felt I should share what I am thankful for, because really, Thanksgiving is not about eating turkey and stuffing yourself with yummy foods (although this is what pregnant women across the country look forward to!), truly it is about reflecting on the good things in our lives.

This Thanksgiving I am grateful for my family. I am so lucky to have a supportive and loving husband who truly cares about me, our life together, and takes our marriage seriously, but always filling my life with humor and laughter. He always knows when to be serious and when to help me lighten the mood, as I tend to get serious enough for both of us.

I am Thankful for my parents, who have loved and supported me through everything in my life, whether they agreed with my decision or not. They have always shown the greatest respect and love throughout my life as I have grown into the person I am today. I can't wait to see them holding their (3rd) grandchild!

I am Thankful for this baby, who is growing inside of me. Having PCOS always leaves a big question mark when it comes to pregnancy, babies, and the future. I was absolutely convinced that I could not have children. I spilled many tears over the years in sadness. I spent every birthday wish as I blew out my candles wishing for babies. And now, here they are, growing and living. The past 11 weeks have been the most exciting and terrifying moments of my life. I have been exhausted and sick, and yet, it is all worth it for when I hold our baby in my arms!

I am thankful for my friends, who although they are spread far and wide, are the most supportive and loving people I have ever known. My girls in California, have been there through so many ups and downs. We don't get to talk very often, but it is just knowing that if I need them they are there 100% with love and support. I am so grateful for them.

I am grateful too for my brother, my sister in law, and my nephews. Being an aunt in the past few years has been such a wonderful experience. At times I feel I am not there enough, but I cherish the time that I get to spend with "my boys" and every second they make me proud to be their aunt.

I am grateful too for my sister Rose. She was not born my sister, in fact, we did not find each other until graduate school. But none the less, she has added such joy and comfort in my life. She is more than a friend and is the truest sister I will ever know. I am also so lucky to be aunt to her beautiful daughter who I love dearly. I wish we could live next door so that our children could grow up together, but maybe someday.

Finally, I am grateful for this life that I have been given. Life is tough, as you know. We have many happy times and many tough times. If it were not for this opportunity to be alive I would not have the experience of knowing all of the people that I am grateful for or the opportunity to know the joys of pregnancy and bringing a new life to this world.

Thank you to everyone who reads my blog. I know that it has been a while since I have posted, but now there are a whole bunch of new posts that I have been writing and holding until I was able to post them today.

I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving.


8 Weeks and going strong

Okay, so technically as of yesterday I am 9 weeks along, but here is our 8 week ultrasound! The past few weeks have been good. I am finally moving past the morning sickness, which will hopefully stay away for the next 7 months! There have not been any more "emergency visits" to the OB/GYN, which is good news. But, there are occasional pains, odd occurrences, and gas, lots of gas. Being pregnant makes you really wonder if you ever knew your body at all, because things start to feel completely different, odd, foreign. My husband has reminded me "you are growing a person inside of you. You have to expect that would be a little uncomfortable at times." Wow.... it's true.

I don't know that it has truly hit me yet. I think a part of me still does not trust that this is really happening or that it will really continue to happen for the next 7 months. In the back of my mind I keep thinking that PCOS will cause something to go wrong. I forgot my Metformin the other night and panicked the next morning when I realized. But, so far so good.

I am not yet showing, my belly is still small (okay it was never small, but it is the same size it always was!), and my pants still fit, for now. Last weekend was the first weekend that we allowed ourselves to start to look at baby stuff. We bought a onsie to give to Erik's mom, which I am going to iron on a decal to that says "I Love Grandma." This is our plan for when we tell her I am pregnant at Thanksgiving. Then, I actually went shopping for maternity clothes, since my mom continues to remind me that "one morning you will wake up and nothing will fit you." She was super sweet though and bought me all of my maternity clothes. I feel very spoiled, and now I know just how spoiled this little baby will be.

In the area of PCOS and pregnancy, I have been reading quite a bit of information on Metformin and Pregnancy. Supposedly there are not a lot of studies that talk about how long you should stay on the Metformin, really it is still up for debate. Some doctors will leave women on the medication for the entire pregnancy, while others will have you stay on for the first trimester, while others take you off the moment you test positive for pregnancy. I have elected to stay on it, much to the contrary of my prior thinking before I was pregnant. My thought is this: my body relies on the Metformin to regulate my testosterone/insulin resistance/hormonal balance. If I go off of it now, what is to say that my levels will not spike and I will not end up with a miscarriage? So, after speaking with my endocrinologist, I will continue the Metformin at least through February, when my next appointment takes place. I am not sure this is the right choice, but again, I feel like either way there could be potential downfalls.

The other pregnancy reading I have been doing is about Fetal Origins. It is very interesting research coming out that talks about how much impact a mother truly has on the fetus during the 9 months in utero. Right now I am reading about food and the fetus. It is so interesting how many different warnings and dietary restrictions women have been placed on in the past 100 years. But, it is definitely making me think about how I eat and what I am doing. Luckily, I am not addicted to caffeine or soda, so giving up the "bad things" has not been difficult.


Scared, Tired, Emotional

(Warning: This post was written 11-7-10, but is posted late so that we could tell all family before the world knew what was going on!)

I know, they say it is all part of being pregnant. You are exhausted and you cry a lot. But, no one told me how afraid I would feel. The past week has been tough. I am excited for the baby, but I am more afraid I will lose the baby than anything. I have had some spotting, which the doctor says is "normal... well it is never normal to have bleeding, but not anything to be too concerned about." I have had a bit more spotting the last few days and I can't wait until Monday for our 8 week ultrasound. Unfortunately I just have this terrible feeling that we will find out that something has gone wrong. I blame PCOS, fully and completely for this. I know that all women, PCOS or not, have miscarriages. But knowing I am at a higher risk, just makes me feel so much more worried! I hate feeling worried, I don't want to make the baby a stressed out baby because I am worried all of the time. But I just do not know how to work through all of this. My wonderful aunt and uncle sent me a pregnancy journal, but I cannot even bring myself to write in it. I am afraid that once I become optimistic, once I put it down on paper in a lovely journal, that I will lose the baby. But what if I don't document what is going on in that journal? Will I regret later that I didn't write it down?

Other symptoms remain constant. I feel nauseated and disgusted by most foods and smells. I have begun to wonder why they call it "morning sickness" when it lasts all day. But occasionally I have cravings for fried rice and egg rolls. My other big craving has been for a burrito smothered in green chili. My husband has been wonderful and lets me partake in all of my cravings, even when I am eating a left over burrito for breakfast from the night before. Everyone tells me these are good signs. Unfortunately, sometimes, the worry overtakes the "good signs" and I find myself doubting.

The other thing I just cant do yet is buy or look at maternity clothes. I have tried, twice, to look at maternity pants, but I just cannot bring myself to buy any. My pants still fit for now, but again, I worry that if I buy the pants something will go wrong.

I don't want to be a worried pregnant lady. I just wish the spotting would stop and that Monday would hurry up and get here so that I can hear that heartbeat again and see a growing baby!
Until Tomorrow - I'm a worried, but hopeful mama to be!