So Inconsistent...

Blogging is not my life for sure... otherwise I would clearly be very poor and living in a box. When you have a child life gets so busy and you just never think to stop and write in a blog. Lately there are so many crazy things happening so I thought I would write a few thoughts. In the PCOS area not much is happening. I am still carrying around 25-30 lbs (yes I am 165 lbs still) of baby weight. I have tried weight watchers, we tried the juice diet (which was terrible and no way to live your life), and I struggle to go back to a yeast free/sugar free diet, because clearly I am addicted to carbohydrates... as are most PCOSers! One wonderful thing has happened though. A good friend of mine invited me to join her in running a 5K in August. I said sure why not! I am now running about 3 miles, 5 times per week, which is awesome! However, due to my poor diet I have not lost a pound from all of this exercise. I hope, in weeks to come that this will change and I will be better able to control my urges. I really really would like to cut out carbs and sugar for a good 3-6 months again and see what happens! Any advice on how to do it? Friend and family support and maybe finding someone to do it with is always the best. In my personal life I continue to have the most joy in watching my little daughter grow with each day. She is walking now and is all over the place! She loves to "chat" although most of it is gibberish, but it is fun to have conversations... even though I have no idea what the responses are! :) This summer has been an eye opener for me in many ways. I was contacted recently by a college and may be offered a fairly high paid position, they have not decided yet and I continue to wait to hear. I was very excited when the opportunity first arose, but things changed in the last week. However, for the past two weeks I have been home with my little love with no day care and something happened... I fell madly in love with her all over again. I fell in love with the day to day efforts of being a mommy. Also, on Thursday night a terrible thing happened here in my home state when 12 people were killed and many more were injured while simply sitting down to do what so many of us do in our lives.. enjoy a movie. These two things combined have changed my mind about work and have made me realize what I want in life. I want to be around to see my daughter grow and develop. I don't want to do this just on the weekends, while she is in daycare the rest of the time or with my family the rest of the time... I want her to be with me as much as possible. If we could afford for me to be a stay at home mom, I would do it in a heartbeat. But, it is just not so... instead... I am starting my own business. I have talked about this FOREVER! But I never had the confidence that I could do it. So, I am doing it and I am announcing it publicly so that I cannot back out... I have to do it now. Things are coming together nicely and if I get my way, by October my little one will be in school for 1/2 days 5 days per week while I work and I will get to be home the rest of the time with her! I am excited, scared, and unsure, but I know this time I have to do it, for myself and for my little one! Happy days to everyone!

Battle of the Buldge is Lost... for now

I have been so busy being a mommy that Blogging has fallen to the wayside... along with my weight loss. It is the challenge of PCOS, weight gain that never leaves without very hard work. I continue to struggle with finding time to exercise... in other words I have not found any time to squeeze it in. In Colorado I always find it especially hard because of the weather which is hot hot hot in the summer and freezing in the winter... so outdoors exercise is just not for me here. It makes me miss my beloved Northern California weather!
Anyway, During September and October I attempted Weight Watchers Online. I was not very successful this time around unfortunately. I find it very difficult with my family to get it done. I constantly hear... "it is just this once" or "you need to loosen up and live a little." and then I cave in, eat whatever is sitting in front of me and then hate myself for it later. So, a new idea has come to my attention, so in an attempt to try something new, and maybe not go back on Metformin I will try it.
A few months ago my husband watched a documentary called "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead." It is, in short, about juice cleansing and how the body heals itself. After listening to him talk about it for a week or so I decided to watch it too. So, one day while home alone with baby, I watched it. I was inspired. What a great idea to attempt to cleanse your system with natural foods! So, we are now onto the newest kick... since my yeast cleanse and WW lasted a whopping 2 months with no results! If this does not work alone I will definitely be going back on Metformin for the sake of my health. But this time I have a partner in dieting... my hubby! Let's see if we can do it together this time, instead of me doing it alone. Maybe this will work, maybe it won't!

To find out more go to http://jointhereboot.com to read more about juice cleansing!
We plan to start after Christmas and I will try my very best to actually blog this time!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a lot of weight loss!

Of pregnancy, babies, weight gain and loss, and doctors who do not have a clue

I know, it has been so long since I last posted. Pregnancy led to buying a house and of course to a baby. Both of which prove to be time consuming ventures! Our baby girl is now 11 weeks old. With every day I still look at her in amazement that it actually happened, I am actually a mommy! Whether that means I should be is yet to be answered. Our little girl now smiles at us, coos, and is starting to roll over. She is everything I ever dreamed of and more. I feel I am now doing the work I was always meant to do, parenting.

With all of the activity in the past year I hope to start to blog again more often because I want women out there with PCOS to know it can happen and it did. I know we will not all be so lucky as I have been in getting pregnant, but I would not have given up my dream of being a mommy for anything and I hope others with PCOS will not give up either. In becoming a pregnant women and now a parent I joined the online world of Baby Center where you can join your Birth Month Club, ours is June 2011, and receive daily updates of discussions occurring in your club. There is also a PCOS club, which to me appears to mostly be filled with women who found out they had PCOS after trying to conceive for many months/years/etc. Reading through these discussions has been an eye opener to how lucky I have been in my treatment of PCOS, as there are so many doctors out there who just don't get it. I have read posts of Reproductive Endocrinologists who refuse to put women on Metformin and others who have been told to just "go home and loose some weight!" I am appalled. How is it that in this day in age we still have doctors who do not understand that PCOS is not just a reproductive disease? What about the other side affects? What about the hair growth, the acne, the hair loss? What about the predisposition to diabetes, heart disease, and obesity? What about the fact that without assistance some women cannot loose weight, no matter how hard they exercise or how little they eat? It is truly a disgrace to the medical field that doctors have so little understanding of this disorder.

So my opinion... if you have PCOS (or any other disease for that matter) take control of your life and your disorder. Do not let your doctors or your disorder rule your world. Educate yourself by talking to others, by seeking out a variety of doctors, and by reading everything you can about PCOS. In the end, decide what matters the most to you and go after it. For women who are trying to conceive, seek out all options and try all different approaches, even things that people say will not work with PCOS. Seek out a doctor who really understands and if you are not sure they are right find a second, third, and fourth opinion if you have to. Do not give up because in the end you may just have a beautiful little child in your arms at the end of 9 months! I have tried Chinese Medicine, Accupuncture, Accupressure, massage, and traditional medicine. I have worked out, hired a personal trainer, went through weight watchers, went through a yeast cleanse for 4 months, and tried the South Beach Diet. All in the name of getting pregnant. I considered going off of Metformin but got pregnant while I was on it. Who knows which of these things was effective, which helped me get pregnant, but in the end... here we are!

Now that I am post pregnancy I face the tragic challenge of attempting to loose the dreaded baby weight. I gained 45 lbs while I was pregnant. I must admit that while pregnant I ate with rapid abandon and did not lift a weight or go for a walk... okay I walked at the end to try to induce contractions but that was only for about a week! So, with baby here I have lost 20 of those pounds, leaving me with 40 lbs to loose. No, I can do math, I know 40-20=20, but I was 20 lbs over my ideal weight when I got pregnant. So, I would at least like to loose 30 of those 40 lbs if possible. In an attempt to jump start my weight loss I have returned to the yeast cleanse that I did once before for 3 months. I am hoping this time to go for 6 months if I can, and then in that time I will also return to weight watchers in an attempt to get back to that ideal "135ish" lbs.

So, here today I will admit that I weigh 171 lbs in hopes of reporting along the way how the challenge of weight loss is going! So, please continue to read as I write, give me feedback, and keep your fingers crossed that I can yet again meet another goal.

20 Weeks and Going Strong

It seems like a lifetime has passed since I last posted to my blog! So much has been happening and time is passing so quickly. Today was our 20 week appointment with the OBGYN. I actually do not turn 20 weeks until Friday, but close enough. In the past few months we have been house hunting, preparing for the baby, and working our butts off! Life seems to always have another surprise around the corner.

But, today was a day I will never forget. We put an offer on a house (don't know if we will get it yet) and we found out that our little baby is... A.... GIRL!! My husband and mom have been saying since the start that it is a girl, and they were right. I am yet to feel my baby move, but little flutters are happening every now and then. It is amazing I have not felt her yet, she could not stop moving during the ultrasound today! Today we saw her feet, her brain, her legs, her lips and nose, and her hands... even though she only wanted to show us 3 fingers for a picture... we are pretty sure all 10 are there! Life is certainly coming together, for the baby and our soon to be family of 3!

In the PCOS realm, not much is happening. I do find that I struggled a bit more than my coworkers (who are also pregnant) to get my energy back as quickly during my second trimester. But, it is starting to go up and I actually made it to the gym today for a walk on the treadmill, at 5 AM! I, of course, am gaining weight. But that is expected so I will deal with getting the weight off once the baby is here! The biggest problem I have had with PCOS is getting myself off of the Metformin. It is funny but, prior to getting pregnant all I wanted was to get rid of the medications and go all natural. But, now that there is a life growing inside of me I have the greatest fear that if I stop the Metformin I will loose the baby. My OB/GYN told me to go off of it a month ago, and I have yet to do it. We discussed it again today and he has instructed me to go off of it again. So, I will try it again and see how it goes and hope and pray that nothing goes wrong!

I think the most frustrating thing is the lack of research by the medical community on the effects of Metformin during pregnancy and the effects on the fetus. There really is not a lot out there, just a few studies on rats, that explore PCOS, Metformin and pregnancy. But, I have to say this. I never in my life thought I was going to get pregnant. I spent so many nights crying thinking I would never be able to have a child. Yet here I am, 20 weeks in... half way through, and all I had to do was take care of myself and it happened. I hope all women with PCOS will see that if you start to take care of yourself good things happen... like babies! I still carry the fear of miscarriage on a daily basis and remember that I have a higher risk of losing my baby at any time during this pregnancy than anyone else I know who is pregnant. But, I can't help but be confident and hopeful that our baby will be born healthy and happy. In my heart I know, that is how life is supposed to go.

8 Weeks and going strong

Okay, so technically as of yesterday I am 9 weeks along, but here is our 8 week ultrasound! The past few weeks have been good. I am finally moving past the morning sickness, which will hopefully stay away for the next 7 months! There have not been any more "emergency visits" to the OB/GYN, which is good news. But, there are occasional pains, odd occurrences, and gas, lots of gas. Being pregnant makes you really wonder if you ever knew your body at all, because things start to feel completely different, odd, foreign. My husband has reminded me "you are growing a person inside of you. You have to expect that would be a little uncomfortable at times." Wow.... it's true.

I don't know that it has truly hit me yet. I think a part of me still does not trust that this is really happening or that it will really continue to happen for the next 7 months. In the back of my mind I keep thinking that PCOS will cause something to go wrong. I forgot my Metformin the other night and panicked the next morning when I realized. But, so far so good.

I am not yet showing, my belly is still small (okay it was never small, but it is the same size it always was!), and my pants still fit, for now. Last weekend was the first weekend that we allowed ourselves to start to look at baby stuff. We bought a onsie to give to Erik's mom, which I am going to iron on a decal to that says "I Love Grandma." This is our plan for when we tell her I am pregnant at Thanksgiving. Then, I actually went shopping for maternity clothes, since my mom continues to remind me that "one morning you will wake up and nothing will fit you." She was super sweet though and bought me all of my maternity clothes. I feel very spoiled, and now I know just how spoiled this little baby will be.

In the area of PCOS and pregnancy, I have been reading quite a bit of information on Metformin and Pregnancy. Supposedly there are not a lot of studies that talk about how long you should stay on the Metformin, really it is still up for debate. Some doctors will leave women on the medication for the entire pregnancy, while others will have you stay on for the first trimester, while others take you off the moment you test positive for pregnancy. I have elected to stay on it, much to the contrary of my prior thinking before I was pregnant. My thought is this: my body relies on the Metformin to regulate my testosterone/insulin resistance/hormonal balance. If I go off of it now, what is to say that my levels will not spike and I will not end up with a miscarriage? So, after speaking with my endocrinologist, I will continue the Metformin at least through February, when my next appointment takes place. I am not sure this is the right choice, but again, I feel like either way there could be potential downfalls.

The other pregnancy reading I have been doing is about Fetal Origins. It is very interesting research coming out that talks about how much impact a mother truly has on the fetus during the 9 months in utero. Right now I am reading about food and the fetus. It is so interesting how many different warnings and dietary restrictions women have been placed on in the past 100 years. But, it is definitely making me think about how I eat and what I am doing. Luckily, I am not addicted to caffeine or soda, so giving up the "bad things" has not been difficult.

Scared, Tired, Emotional

(Warning: This post was written 11-7-10, but is posted late so that we could tell all family before the world knew what was going on!)


I know, they say it is all part of being pregnant. You are exhausted and you cry a lot. But, no one told me how afraid I would feel. The past week has been tough. I am excited for the baby, but I am more afraid I will lose the baby than anything. I have had some spotting, which the doctor says is "normal... well it is never normal to have bleeding, but not anything to be too concerned about." I have had a bit more spotting the last few days and I can't wait until Monday for our 8 week ultrasound. Unfortunately I just have this terrible feeling that we will find out that something has gone wrong. I blame PCOS, fully and completely for this. I know that all women, PCOS or not, have miscarriages. But knowing I am at a higher risk, just makes me feel so much more worried! I hate feeling worried, I don't want to make the baby a stressed out baby because I am worried all of the time. But I just do not know how to work through all of this. My wonderful aunt and uncle sent me a pregnancy journal, but I cannot even bring myself to write in it. I am afraid that once I become optimistic, once I put it down on paper in a lovely journal, that I will lose the baby. But what if I don't document what is going on in that journal? Will I regret later that I didn't write it down?

Other symptoms remain constant. I feel nauseated and disgusted by most foods and smells. I have begun to wonder why they call it "morning sickness" when it lasts all day. But occasionally I have cravings for fried rice and egg rolls. My other big craving has been for a burrito smothered in green chili. My husband has been wonderful and lets me partake in all of my cravings, even when I am eating a left over burrito for breakfast from the night before. Everyone tells me these are good signs. Unfortunately, sometimes, the worry overtakes the "good signs" and I find myself doubting.

The other thing I just cant do yet is buy or look at maternity clothes. I have tried, twice, to look at maternity pants, but I just cannot bring myself to buy any. My pants still fit for now, but again, I worry that if I buy the pants something will go wrong.

I don't want to be a worried pregnant lady. I just wish the spotting would stop and that Monday would hurry up and get here so that I can hear that heartbeat again and see a growing baby!
Until Tomorrow - I'm a worried, but hopeful mama to be!

A smudge and a heartbeat

It was a crazy couple of weeks with lots of blood testing for HcG levels and lots of worrying. I became worried because, well, when people tell you that you are at high risk of miscarriage you worry. I was also having pains, cramps, and spotting. But, my HcG levels kept rising. On October 24th, my HcG levels were above 22,000, which was a good sign. That night though the cramping became terrible and the next day, after working out that morning I was feeling terrible and I began having spotting again. So, I worried. It is what I do best. It was that day that I really decided that I like our OB/GYN! I called the office and they squeezed me in. My husband rushed home from work, leaving a meeting and probably freaking out all of his coworkers, and off to the doctor we went. I was so afraid he would say we were losing the baby, but through it all I just had a feeling, it had to be okay. I am sure most women convince themselves it will all be okay, that your baby will make it, and these of course were my thoughts.

As I climbed on the table I grasped my husbands hand and said a little prayer in my head. The moment the ultrasound began I knew, because there I saw it, our little smudge inside a yolk sac! The doctor turned up the volume and there was the heart beat at 121 beats per minute! A smudge with a heartbeat... and it is our smudge! It was amazing, I cried (of course!) and my husband grasped my hand and my head with a look of amazement... there was our baby! It still amazes me that something measuring under 7mm's can have a heartbeat!

Since that day it has all felt real, like it is okay to accept it, to get excited, and to look at baby names and talk about the future again. For the past month we have held our breath, worried, cried, and held it all in. But no longer. I know I am just 7 weeks, 3 days along but I can't help but be excited for the future, for our baby, for a new life!

We will return to the doctor next Monday for our 8 week check up and ultrasound. For now, all is well. I am finally getting my energy back, it has been a few tough weeks of going to bed at 7:30 and feeling too tired for anything other than work. I even took almost two complete weeks off of working out, as I had some morning sickness. But today, I returned to working out. I still am worried about running, so I speed walk and tomorrow I will lift weights. Our trainer has provided me with a new work out program, so that I don't have to do crunches or lay on my stomach (both of which make me nauseous!). My jeans are beginning to feel a bit tight, and when I run my hand over my belly I can feel a slight bump there, and I know that's our baby in there. I cry over just about anything from cheezy commercials to stories about mothers and their babies. But, so far, it has been a joy and pleasure carrying this baby. I know there are lots of challenges, changes, and maybe even tough times ahead, but I am up for anything!

Signs of pregnancy

By the time you are all reading these posts about pregnancy I will be about 3 months or so along... as long as all goes well. I promised my mother in law that she would not have to find out I was pregnant by way of my blog... so after we visit in November for Thanksgiving and surprise her, I will post these blogs. And, even if the worst happens, I promise I will post these blogs, because women need to know, good or bad, what happens with pregnancy especially with PCOS and pregnancy! A very good friend of mine recommended that I journal about the pregnancy as I go along so that I can remember what happened along the way. I feel that my blog is my journal... albeit public for all to see, but still, this is my journal and how I express myself and track my life. So, I make this warning, I will be sharing everything, details that many may not want to read. But this is my journal, my documentation of pregnancy with PCOS, and my way of telling others that getting pregnant with PCOS is possible... and with any luck I will get to also show that you can have a healthy happy baby with PCOS.

So, those lovely signs of pregnancy! Well, your breasts will hurt like no one ever told you they would. They say they will be "tender".... hello! This is not tender... this is freakin' ouch! They say you can jog/run during pregnancy... well if you are an "A" cup or do not have this particular symptom, that that may be true... but for those of us over a "C"...there will be no running... at least not without at least 3 sports bras on!

Pain... yes, pain and cramping. Sometimes it feels like someone is stabbing you in the ovary...for about 2 seconds.. then it goes away. They call it "cramping" but this is no cramping like I have ever had. Some cramping, in certain places is normal in early pregnancy as areas of your body begin to stretch, in ways they never have before!

Nausea... yep, my first bout of morning sickness today. Luckily it never went past the nausea part... but it makes it impossible to go to the gym at 5 am when you just want to throw up and get the day over with.

Speaking of getting the day over with... I thought PCOS had shown me what tired was before... I am only just maybe 5 weeks along and I am Tired!! More tired than ever before. I laughed when I found out I was pregnant, because for two weeks straight I came home and fell asleep on the couch after work, just to get up and go right to bed. So, when I found out I was pregnant I thought... of course I have been sleeping almost non stop for 2 weeks!

Hormones... have you ever cried at just about every commercial you see on TV? The Kaiser commercials about babies, the Jason Mraz song about living without worry, or the Zale's commercial with the daughter and father at the breakfast table (I am practically crying just thinking of this one) ? But it is true, your hormones are all over the map. One second you are laughing the next second you are crying, and sometimes you are doing both at the same time.

My clothes are tight... yes, this a symptom... okay i admit it was a problem before I was pregnant... by seriously... I just bought new clothes a month ago, and already they are tight? Seriously? But, never fear... maternity world includes new fun clothes too! So, more shopping will be done by all! :)

Worry... yes, worry. I think it is a symptom of pregnancy which no one speaks of. It is why so many women wait until they are showing to start telling people around them. We all worry that at any time, this wonderful gift may be taken away from us. At first, when i found out, I said to my husband "I don't want anyone to know" and yet the same day I told my mom, how could I not...she is my mom. I have slipped up a few more times and started to tell other people here and there... we haven't told my husbands family because he wants to tell his mom in person before we tell anyone else in his family.. but anyway... I started to think about why I did this. Why say one minute I don't want any one to know, and the next second be telling people around me that I am in fact pregnant. Here is my thought/reasoning/excuse for my craziness. I am going to worry no matter what, for the next 9 months, and the rest of my life once this baby is born. But if people know now, even though i am so early on, there are that many more good wishes, prayers, and support for this baby out there in the universe already, and they have not even entered the world yet, What better way to start off your life than with the support, love, and excitement of all of those people who do not know you yet but love you and care about you anyway? So, share we will, so that our baby will be blessed with all of the love and care from the start and will start off life with excitement and happiness surrounding them, not from 3 months in utero, but from 4 weeks in utero!


So those are the symptoms as they stand so far. In all seriousness, because I am being flippant with many of these symptoms, I truly believe that each symptom is a part of earning the title of "mom" and that each one is a positive sign that the pregnancy is healthy and that it is well worth the reward of being a parent in the end. I would deal with "tender" breasts, stabbing pains, crying at the drop of a hat, and exhaustion, tight clothing, and worry for a lifetime if I get to have the honor of being a parent during this life time. Although I hear that many of those symptoms are not just for pregnancy, they last forever as you watch your child grow into an amazing adult. So here's hoping to a lifetime of pregnancy symptoms!

Breakfast, paperwork, and two pink lines

It was two weeks ago tomorrow that I was working from home on some paperwork and thought, there are three pregnancy tests in the cabinet and I feel like I should use one. So, at 11 am that day a pregnancy test was completed and one dark pink line appeared....along with a super faint pink line... yep, two pink lines. I figured I was seeing things, it was that faint. So the next morning at 5am, on my way to the gym, I took another test, and sure enough, there it was... or should I say "they were". Two pink lines... a positive pregnancy test... or rather two. That afternoon I made a stop at my GYN, who ran two more tests... one negative, the other looked just like my first... one dark line and another very faint line. I was promptly sent for blood work which came back with an HcG level of 39. If you are new to pregnancy terms, HcG is produced in your blood only when you are pregnant, you never have it at any other time of your life. I was told congratulations and that I had to go for another test in 48 hours, to make sure the HcG levels were rising. So, 48 hours later I was at the lab again, blood being drawn from my other arm and then the wait began. Because it was Friday, the test did not come back before the Dr. closed for the day. I spent the entire weekend in agony, of the emotional type. You see, HcG levels, when you are pregnant are supposed to double every 48 hours... so for me, they were looking for somewhere around 80... if your levels are not doubling there is a problem with the pregnancy and it is likely not viable. Let's just say, this led to the longest, most difficult weekend of my life so far. Waiting to find out if you are pregnant or pregnant and miscarrying is a terrible way to spend two days. Monday morning, first thing, my MD called with good news, an HcG level of 89 and a big "hooray!" was heard around the world.

I wish I could say the craziness ended there. But panic and a few more horrible days (about 7 days in fact) ensued. Since my GYN is not an OB as well, I had to find a new doctor. Luckily I found one, I think he is pretty great so far, and made an appointment for the soonest possible. The next Wednesday, one week from our initial double lined excitement, my husband and I found ourselves sitting in the OB office waiting to see the doctor. This was the appointment that caused even more panic than before. While there, the MD's office aged my pregnancy at 6 weeks. "Great!" we were told an ultrasound would potentially show a heart beat, and the yolk sac, but as I lay on the ultrasound table, my husband excitedly holding my hand, the doctor scanned around, yet nothing showed up. The doctor quickly revealed his concern, stating "it isn't a good sign that we can't see anything at 6 weeks." we left the doctor's office, back to the lab for yet another HcG test, I cried... for about the 20th time. Is it hormones, fear, sadness, or just plain anger at my body for continually making everything difficult? I think probably a combination of everything.

That afternoon the doctor called me... actually he called within an hour. My HcG was at 775... it had doubled each day since the last test. The pregnancy was fine and I was "just earlier than originally thought." I guess this is where I have to caution women with PCOS. For some reason, almost all doctors, even ones who seem to know a lot about PCOS, seem to forget that we do not ovulate like every other "normal" woman. The fact is, all women, with PCOS or not, ovulate at different times. Yet, when they calculate your due date and date of conception, they go from the first day of your last period. So even if you did not ovulate during the second week... guess what... they pretend you did! It turns out... I was probably more like 4 or 4 1/2 weeks along... not 6 weeks! So, my HcG levels were exactly correct AND since you cannot see anything on an ultrasound until HcG levels are At Least 1500, it was no surprise there was nothing on the ultrasound, because mine were in the 700's! By the way, they also tested my progesterone, which was 18... which is on the low side of normal for pregnant women. Two days later, another test revealed an HcG of 1380... almost double, and perfectly acceptable for a viable pregnancy.

Getting pregnant, being pregnant, and having a baby are all scary enough as it is. But I have to say, the past two weeks were some of the most difficult days of my life. I felt like I had been on a roller coaster, stuck at the top, and waiting to drop. It is reported that women with PCOS may have up to 50% chance of miscarriage. Each doctor has told us that miscarriage is never caused by anything you do. If it does not last, it was not a viable life, and that miscarriage is the body's natural way to end that life before it get's worse. But, even knowing that, I keep saying to the baby "just stay inside where you belong" because the best thing that could ever happen would be to bring a baby into this world on in June 2011!

Job Path, Health Path... Life

The first week of my new job is over and I find myself at home, at peace with the world. It is amazing how at peace with the world I feel. I have been reminded by a wise woman, my mother, that there will still be up and down times. Sure, this is to be expected, I am working for a broken system that is... broke, both monetarily and in concept. However, if you could have seen all of the smiling faces this week, you would not know how broken our public school system is. These people do not smile because they are making the most money, or will be living in the biggest house or driving the fanciest car. No, these people are smiling because every day they make a difference in a child's life through education, through life lessons. What an amazing thing. So, I hope when the tough days come, that I will think about this. That for the first time as an OT I can truly feel that I am making a difference in someone's life, each day through helping them to be more successful or more able to participate in their educational setting. And, I have hope that maybe this country will start to turn the educational system around and that we will all remember that there is no better investment than our children and their education (I learned this important lesson from my parents). I have hope, because this week I saw a not so broken system in my new school district, but instead, people committed to making the lives of children better.

Okay... enough about work...sorry it has been very exciting though.

I do want to address some PCOS this time too... because I tend to not talk about it enough, and that is what this blog is supposed to be about. Although truly, this blog is just about me and life, because usually PCOS affects every day of it. I guess I have not written much lately about it because it has not been first and foremost on my mind. Instead, my job and getting healthy have been on my mind the past week... and babies too. I can't help it. Just spending those 5 days with my best friend and her beautiful little girl... that was it... I was bit by the baby bug... or maybe spit up on by it! (ew... sorry!)

Anyway, my job did affect my PCOS this week, in that there was much free food, luncheons to attend, sweets at every table you sat down at. I fell out of the habit of tracking my calories, indulged in some yummy cinnamon rolls (4 or 5 of them!) and over ate in general. I also had two days without work outs, which was disappointing. And now, I have to admit that since hiring our trainer, and likely because we are not being steadfast in following his advice, I have actually gained 1.5 lbs instead of loosing them! My husband, of course, has lost almost 5 lbs and is looking fabulous... me... not so much. But today I pledged to get back on the wagon. We did not eat exactly healthy (hello Chick-fil-a), but we did get to the gym yesterday and today and took the puppy for a long stroll last night, in addition to strength training!

We are on our way... I am reminded that I named this blog "Path to Health" for a reason. Paths are rarely straight, you often take the wrong path and have to turn around and return to where you started. Most paths have hills, some are all uphill... but aren't those the ones with the best view from the top, the best reward? So, here I am, on my path. The past few weeks I went down the path, sat on a large rock in the shade and ate all of my snacks in one fell swoop. But, yesterday I got off the rock and started walking the path again (Okay, sure, with Chick-fil-a sandwich in hand). I am sure I will find I need to rest again sometime during the journey and that I may even chose the wrong path at times, but I also know that I will continue to get up and continue down this path. Because, this path is my life.

Pure Exhaustion

Yep, that is me, purely exhausted! I returned Wednesday from my wonderful trip with a wonderful friend and her beautiful new baby! What a fun time! Sadly, I fell off the wagon while I was away and did not track calories nor did I exercise more than 1 day... okay if you don't count the 2 long walks on other days. When I returned home I felt this incredible need to clean the whole apartment, so I did, for two days. I cleaned every nook and cranny in almost the whole place. We do not have a big apartment, so you can imagine how thorough I was being... or was I just being slow?

Anyway, today was the return to the personal trainer to get our butts kicked into gear again. If you are not familiar with PCOS than I should explain about exercise. Exercise is of the UTMOST importance when you have PCOS. The endocrinologist reminds me every six months that I should be participating in cardiovascular work at least days per week.

The reasoning is that the less fat you have on your body the more in balance your hormones are, therefore the more likely you are to ovulate and the less symptoms of the disorder you have (in theory). Fat, on the other hand, creates an increase in the production of hormones, which when you have PCOS you simply do not need. However, some (yes only some) Doctors agree that, much like diabetes, women with PCOS will become more tired when they exercise than those without PCOS. (I do not remember the exact reasoning, but I will look up this study and report back later).

So, today was exhausting for me. Brian really worked us hard with squats using a TX Fitness band and also using a big swiss ball filled with water to 8 lbs! Also, resistance work for the upper body, sit ups with the water filled swiss balls, and pull ups and balance exercises. I left feeling Amazing (yes with a capitol A!) but by this evening I was crashed out! It was like I could not get enough food in me to keep my energy up. Surprisingly when I finally let myself crash, at 6pm, I only slept for 1 hour before feeling much better.

So, here I am, tired, worn down, tired, exhausted... did I mention I am tired? My hope is that tomorrow I will get up and continue to make good decisions about what I eat and about movement.

My new job's orientation is all next week, I am very nervous and excited all at the same time! Wish me luck!?

Wedding, Work, and Worries (2008)

In May 2008 we got married. I had bought my dress while I was in graduate school, and still skinny. The dress was amazing, white, A-line, and simple, just my style. I did most of the wedding planning from California and was so excited for the day. When the day arrived, I had been home for 6 months and had gained 15 lbs. My acne was considerably worse, the hair growth on my chin was embarrassing, and I felt self conscious. My jeans I had worn in California did not fit anymore, and did I mention... I was sleeping all of the time. When I woke up in the morning I was tired, when I ate lunch in the afternoon I was tired, when I came home I was exhausted, and I would go to bed and feel tired again in the morning.

The wedding was amazing, but I felt bloated, tired, sick. We were surrounded by our friends and family. Even my California Girls had come to support me and my best friend in the whole world honored me by being my matron of honor. It was a beautiful day and I realized the huge amount of support my husband and I would have as we went through life together.

I thought once the planning was over I would feel less stress, but this was not the case, I seemed more tired. I was working at a local hospital, having emotional meltdowns daily, and finally quit my job to go work in a school, thinking it was the work... it couldn't be me... it could not be related to PCOS.

In my first year out of graduate school I held 3 different jobs, each lasting no more than 5 months. Each position led to more exhaustion and and increasing waist line. I craved carbs! I lived to eat Carbs! Exercise fell to the wayside and I began to worry frequently about everything. I felt like a failure. How could I be such a terrible wife? How could I be so tired? Why am I the only person who cannot handle having a job? What is wrong with me? My most frequent thought was "damn PCOS!"

I finally found a home for my career after 18 months, part time working for myself and part time working in a clinic as an employee. This has worked for about a year now and career wise I have been happier than before. But times have still been tough. I still found myself tired frequently although I was working just 4 days per week, often requiring the full 3 day weekend to sleep and rest. Any extra activities were exhausting and I could not mentally handle them. And then, just 6 weeks ago, my previously single track path grew forks in the road. I decided to choose a path and give it a try. The road sign was not labeled "western medicine" or even "the answer to your problems," but "Hope" was the road sign I followed. Hope for something to change, hope for energy and life to return to this body that I will live in for the rest of my days.