In May 2008 we got married. I had bought my dress while I was in graduate school, and still skinny. The dress was amazing, white, A-line, and simple, just my style. I did most of the wedding planning from California and was so excited for the day. When the day arrived, I had been home for 6 months and had gained 15 lbs. My acne was considerably worse, the hair growth on my chin was embarrassing, and I felt self conscious. My jeans I had worn in California did not fit anymore, and did I mention... I was sleeping all of the time. When I woke up in the morning I was tired, when I ate lunch in the afternoon I was tired, when I came home I was exhausted, and I would go to bed and feel tired again in the morning.
The wedding was amazing, but I felt bloated, tired, sick. We were surrounded by our friends and family. Even my California Girls had come to support me and my best friend in the whole world honored me by being my matron of honor. It was a beautiful day and I realized the huge amount of support my husband and I would have as we went through life together.
I thought once the planning was over I would feel less stress, but this was not the case, I seemed more tired. I was working at a local hospital, having emotional meltdowns daily, and finally quit my job to go work in a school, thinking it was the work... it couldn't be me... it could not be related to PCOS.
In my first year out of graduate school I held 3 different jobs, each lasting no more than 5 months. Each position led to more exhaustion and and increasing waist line. I craved carbs! I lived to eat Carbs! Exercise fell to the wayside and I began to worry frequently about everything. I felt like a failure. How could I be such a terrible wife? How could I be so tired? Why am I the only person who cannot handle having a job? What is wrong with me? My most frequent thought was "damn PCOS!"
I finally found a home for my career after 18 months, part time working for myself and part time working in a clinic as an employee. This has worked for about a year now and career wise I have been happier than before. But times have still been tough. I still found myself tired frequently although I was working just 4 days per week, often requiring the full 3 day weekend to sleep and rest. Any extra activities were exhausting and I could not mentally handle them. And then, just 6 weeks ago, my previously single track path grew forks in the road. I decided to choose a path and give it a try. The road sign was not labeled "western medicine" or even "the answer to your problems," but "Hope" was the road sign I followed. Hope for something to change, hope for energy and life to return to this body that I will live in for the rest of my days.
No comments:
Post a Comment