Choices that are not mine

Have you ever had the experience at night, when you are lying there trying to go to sleep and you have thoughts that seem profound? Most often you wake up the next morning to realize they were not all that profound, just tired babbling in your head.

Last night, as I lay between asleep and awake, I started thinking about PCOS and the statement "I am not PCOS, PCOS is not me." My brain cries out "but PCOS affects everything in your life! Your weight, your energy, your mood, and effectively your relationships." The most difficult thing is that PCOS effects my choices, or at least my ability to make certain choices. And by this I mean the choice to eat whatever I want, the choice to have energy to do whatever I want, and ultimately PCOS will decide if I am able to get pregnant or not. Out of all of these choices that are not mine, the last one bothers me the most. I think about it the most, it is on my mind, and it is the one thing that makes me the most sad. I know, just like everyone tells me, "why are you even thinking about this yet? You aren't even trying yet!" My favorite is "the more you worry about it the worse it will be."

I came across another blogger the other day, a "slim cyster," (This means she has PCOS symptoms but not a weight problem). She had 8 miscarriages before she and her husband gave up and decided for adoption. I began to think, how long would we try for? How much heart ache would we subject ourselves to? How much money will we have to spend just to have a baby if it doesn't happen? While most "normal couples" a baby cost them one night of fun, it just may not be the same for us. Does it ever seem that, as you go through your day, every woman you walk past is pregnant or chasing after 2 or 3 kids? Why them? Why not women with PCOS? Why do I have to feel like less of a woman because of this stupid syndrome?

So, why worry now? Well, I am certainly not getting any younger, and so the thought crosses my mind often. In the end, the reason I am on this "quest" to health is because I want to be able to have a baby some day. When we are ready, I want to have that choice. So, push on I will, in hopes that if I do all of these things, if I can affect change, than maybe there will not be heartbreak at the end of the journey, maybe there will be tears of joy.